Friday, 8 March 2013


Zombiefied:

Dawning of the Zombies!


By

Vladimir Ivanovich Popovitch



Introduction


 This remarkably innovative work of avant-garde literature inspired by the curious choice of the concept of zombies, or the walking dead as its subject, as here rendered into a gathering of quasi-epigrammatic remarks, sayings, and apparently random mix of fragmentary sentences, is a highly edited, deeply subjective translation of the little known neo-Dadaist work of Vladimir Ivanovich Popovitch. He was a Russian journalist and experimental writer from Kiev, a minor player in the Moscow “Eastern Block” art scene in the 1950s who worked as a staff reporter for Pravda after the war, mainly covering events in Eastern Block Russian satellite countries such as Yugoslavia and Rumania.

 Popovitch worked on this post-Dada, semi-Surrealist work (which to date has remained unpublished in an English translation) from the late 1950s and up to his untimely death in 1965 at the age of 49. Eventually (in manuscript note-form) it grew to a bulky work of more than five hundred pages in length, much of which was repetitive, automatic writing of a randomly surreal nature. After his death, this highly edited edition, as is reproduced here (without the deliberately disturbing spacing of the sentences and paragraphs of the original work), was first published as a neo-Dadaist work in a Russian language edition Soviet Russia in 1966, printed in a limited edition in Moscow by Progress Publishers.

 It has been suggested that this privately published book partly inspired George Romero in the United States to make his first “undead people”, or “animated corpses” zombie film, and which subsequently inspired many other zombie-movie genre filmmakers to emulate him. Romero has neither denied nor confirmed this conjectural supposition, preferring to remain silent on the matter. However, both works have come out of, and have drawn on the age-old zombie genre that is all our natural cultural heritage; it originates in the dark domain of our own innermost fears.

 Perhaps too the author of this neo-dadaist work has here tried to come to terms with his own dark, haunting thoughts on the subject; however, whether he succeeded to any great degree will never be known. Popovitch himself died under mysterious circumstances in a disused Belgrade brothel before his own avant-garde book on zombie-mania in society could be published. (Apparently, when his body was finally discovered he was found half-eaten by rats, so no single cause of death could be established). This book on zombies, apart from brief, short run books of poetry, is the only book of note he wrote, but in the 1950s he was apparently well regarded in Moscow’s literary circles for his neo-Dadaist poetry.

 The chosen title as seen here is a rough rendering of the original title in Russian, as rendered here into English for an English speaking audience, but literally would read as, “I, too, am a zombie — today, zombies rise up!” Which, as an exact translation into English, is a bit difficult to get the head around, to say the least. However, this neater, simpler rendering (as inspired directly from the title of a previous translation of the work into Spanish by the Spanish-Basque aphorist, Philip José de Silva, which was published in Barcelona in 1989), into plain English of “Zombiefied: Dawning of the Zombies!” I think, is neater, clearer, and a little more relevant for today’s zombie-focused readership.

 This difficulty in getting a true translation of Russian ideas was always a puzzle to me, even when I took Russian ‘O’ Level as a foreign language at Grammar School, but as with any good ideas they have to be adequately adapted to the audience or their essential essence disperses. In this way I hope I have done a competent job of translation here, and also by bringing the text slightly more up to date and in sync with the times, but only time and critical approval will tell me if I have done a good job of it. Here, I would also like to take the opportunity of thanking de Silva for his editorial input, especially for his encouragement and support, into my own translation of this copy of the work into English, and I am much indebted to his own Spanish translation of the work; it has certainly helped in clarifying the style and content of this English translation of the Russian original of Popovitch’s unique neo-Dadaist work.

 Apparently, the main ideas for this work originated in the war, when Popovitch, coming straight from art school, was a Lieutenant in the Red Army, and a defender of Leningrad during the siege. Clearly, it draws much of its material and artistic inspiration from his experiences fighting the Germans in the darkest days of the Second World War on the Russian Front, and is a stark reminder of where this sort of darkly introverted ruminations can take a creative thinker. One of the new wave of avant-garde intellectuals of pre-war Russia, but still one not widely known or recognized, not even in his own country.

 The work itself will remain as an interesting written artefact in years to come, to which scholars and researchers alike can conveniently read into it the ever-more obscure cultural origins of the ever-popular zombie phenomenon. But is it the product of an anxious, artistic mind working in a suppressive cultural climate full of political constraints, or a fecund product of a morbid mentality in desperate search of an answer to its own confounded inner needs? We may never really know, because that answer would only be found in the mind of the author of the original work; and, clearly, it appears that he is long dead, and so the best answer to the question of why he has produced such a work of morbid delights could only really be found between the pages of this work.

 The actual Moscow edition of the work (in Russian) is a typically Russian avant-garde neo-Dadaist work of the post-war period with directly attributable pseudo-Surrealist leanings. It was produced on hand-made rag paper and bound in un-tanned, raw cowhide, with deliberate stylistic spacing incongruities to the typesetting and a somewhat less-than-poetic concentration on anachronistic word-groupings that brings out the essentially disturbing nature of the work, as is portrayed in a printed book. This was a deliberate attempt by the publishers (whose poetry editor was a close friend of Popovitch) to remain faithful to the artistic from, ideological ideals, and socially progressive purpose of the work, while at the same time show up the incongruities of its essentially individualistic theme by rejecting all approval from the usual politically homogenous crowd of Soviet intellectuals at the time; but at the same time distancing themselves politically from the implicitly individualistic nature of the work.

 Thus, this book, in being a one-off production of a frustrated modern poet with a slightly eccentric demeanour, and as he also being newly deceased, was not thought necessary to be banned, censored, or burned by the post-Stalinist Soviet State. This was probably mainly because nobody in his right mind in mainstream Russian literary circles ever bothered to read it all the way through. In consequence, and so fortunately for us, this quixotically-eccentric, morbidly-creative, quirkily-eerie book of the undead remained mainly unread at the time, as it never really came to the attention of those in authority in the country, and so to the attention of powerful individuals whom at the time could so easily have censored it totally out of existence.

            Michael Aspinal

Part 1. Revolting Zombies.


In small town life, in a small town much like many small towns everywhere, things do tend to start to go badly wrong when the zombies come to town looking for a free lunch.

The dawning of the day today hits an ordinary town newly infested with zombies, apparently much like a plague of flies appearing out of nowhere.

It is all zombies on the go round here, and once you know that you know what to do about it, probably.

In this place, most of the population become flesh-eating zombies in time, as, as being edible human beings, they have little choice in the matter.

Zombies and zombies and even more zombies on an incredible picnic, picnicking in a small town that doesn’t want them around.

Incredible as it may seem, zombies coming to town aren’t the results of mass hysteria: it’s a result of uncontrolled mass indigestion!

The zombies don’t have time for other zombies, as they only have time for you, you see.

When there is no more room for them at the police station, the zombies will walk the Earth seeking to arrest and eat human beings, I tell you!

This is not a zombie-free zone; it’s an invasion of freewheeling zombies!

There are no zombie-free zones here, my friend, only unnatural barriers to sustained mental health.

Zombies! Yes, the zombie-zone starts right here, right now!

Zombies, did you say zombies?

Is it just me, or are they real zombies that are coming out of the woodwork?

I see frigging zombies everywhere today!

Look out, the zombies are coming to bite you in the arse, big time!

Zombies! It’s zombies, zombies, zombies, it is!

The zombie work force is looking for fresh red meat!

It wouldn’t be a nice drive across town to go through a welcoming committee of a few hundred undead cannibals, but that’s virtually what happens at rush hour.

This is a time of trial – a tale of trouble and strife with the hungry zombies looking for fresh red meat at the shopping arcade.

The sound of the zombies growling outside the shopping arcade is an irritating distraction to all the shoppers huddled under the counters.

This is not about a zombie themed romantic comedy; this is about dysfunctional undead zombies causing trouble.

Curses, here come the damned zombies again!

Zombies! Zombies are here, the zombies are here, beware, the zombies are here!

It looks like the only good zombie is a decapitated zombie.

Killing the time effectively with eradicating undead zombies can be slow murder, especially at rush hour.

This is more about bloodthirsty zombies in a farmhouse and garbage-eating zombies burping than just plain old zombies having a good time with the townsfolk.

To kiss a zombie covered in congealed human blood is just not the thing to do in such untoward circumstances.

Against the zombies we may fling ourselves unvanquished, for a time, but they’ll get us in the end.

Drat it! The zombies are coming!

Don’t let the zombies take a bite out of you, if necessary, bite them before they bite you.

Say no to a zombie food-fest in the darkness of the night.

I met a well-dressed zombie lady on the bus to work today whom I thought was extremely well behaved, but then she tried to bite me up in the aisle.

A hungry zombie is all feeding-frenzy, I tell you!

Oh boy, zombies!

I am not a freaky mouldy zombie yet, nor do I particularly want to be either!

To decapitate a zombie with a rusty spoon!

I nibbled a zombie’s ear on the pier in the rain as it peered at me over an old newspaper, but why, why did it do that?

To behead a zombie with a winning smile.

Hungry hordes of rotting zombies have emerged from hell to embark on a walking tour of the town; some shedding unwanted limbs as if on the way to work.

A zombie’s passions are not reading and sociability, it is all walking and eating, as they stumble by burping and feasting on foully foolish things.

Zombies? Are we talking slowpoke zombies here?

She’s a sexy zombie squeezebox that’s out of control!

Yes, zombie, it’s definitely a zombie.

To kiss a zombie without a head, for a start, isn’t a very logical thing to do.

Zombies, and even more zombies.

Beware of the zombies: the zombies are here for you!

From a gruesome zombie walk into town, or to hell and back, zombies fit the bill.

Zombies, zombies, everywhere, and never a bite to eat!

Who will be your zombie life-partner today?

I’m sure not a zombie yet, but are you?

Zombies do the strangest things!

Cannibalistic zombies should face immediate arrest by the police, who are already paid to look out for such antisocial tendencies in normal people.

Never turn your back on a hungry zombie procrastinating at the fork in the road!

When a zombie comes to the door, love flies out the window, laughing hysterically.

To grab a zombie by its tale pick on its little peccadilloes.

They’re just nail-biting zombies loitering on the edge of the grave!

The bloody zombies are coming back for more!

You should never give up on a zombie that you used to love in a better life.

Beware: sexy buxom-babe zombies on the prowl for marriage and long-term indigestion!

Zombies! Zombies are walking here, so walk on.

We all love to laugh at a good fucking joke of a zombie joke.

Even zombies must die, but are they not then already dead in some undead sort of way?

They are not just ordinary pedestrian zombies at the shopping arcade, as they are drugged-up shopper-zombies on truth serum.

A zombie secretary apparently tried to take notes upon all the cannibalism going on, but a zombie attacked her over her ill-sustained secretarial sustenance.

That zombie pinched those fags, I tell you, as unbelievable as it sounds.

To kiss a demented zombie by surprise, but who is more surprised, you or the zombie?

A zombie came back to life and bit the wife, and then the wife came back to life, bit me, and the kids.

I cut the zombie in two with a hacksaw, because I felt like it.

You’re never alone with a fresh zombie spouse beside you whom once was your blushing bride.

Kiss your little creepy zombie children goodbye, dear!

To kill an authoritarian zombie with a crowbar.

In some slightly deranged, mildly immoral way we all love the idea of a sexy sex-bomb of a zombie doing a stripper routine at the morgue, but her presentation stinks.

I kissed a cool zombie-chick in the dead of night, but she did not react well to my amorously necrotic intentions.

When all else fails to stop it, shoot a zombie in the head for luck.

A plague of drunken zombies feeling peckish invaded the zombie alcoholic meeting, but they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Don’t feed the zombies alcoholic beverages, as they don’t want it!

The drug-soaked zombies all loved an interactive zombie party at the morgue, but they still never could get enough of it even when they were alive.

These zombies aren’t looking forward to a gloriously ghoulish evening of apple bobbing, but to a fiendish feast on the bodies of their old neighbours.

Most zombies love to socialize almost as much as they like to eat socialites.

Look, that zombie-trucker is doing the zombie-rumba with that Meter Maid!

No zombie is finished eating until it is decapitated for good and all.

I used to avoid people like they were zombies, because they actually were.

Zombies! I just love frigging zombies!

Zombies are truly revolting, pilled up in tangled heaps that are still moving, like a traffic jam gone bad.

All the zombies smile at authority, or at least gnash their teeth at it.

Membership of the local zombie-gangs is all about being the coolest zombies on the block, but really it isn’t all that attractive a proposition.

Pay no mind to the zombies, as they have no worthwhile moral opinions whatsoever.

Never ask a zombie when you can eat raw sushi at the aquarium.

Zombies! I love zombies – the more, the merrier!

My old zombie friend was legless down the pub and fell off its stool, but we soon got it back up sitting on its bottom again.

I brained your mother because she was a zombie, and I brained your zombie grandmother too, and for the very same reason: because she was a zombie too.

Zombies waste no time on idle flights of fancy, as for them time is merely a stream they go fishing in.

Zombies like the company of other zombies, because if they didn’t you’d hardly ever see them and they’d be as rare as dodo eggs.

Given the choice, human beings not yet bitten by the zombies tend to bring their flatmates out to be bitten by zombies first before they are; it’s a moral thing.

These zombies, these walking corpses driven by dark desires, desperately needed to be decapitated and shoved smartly into their grizzly graves, if only for reasons to do with the ethics of the sub-plot.

For no apparent reason I kissed a zombie in the heat of the night, and then giggled profoundly and run off to find another one.

Zombies…I figured as much!

I found I had inadvertently nibbled a highly sexed sexy lady zombie on her ear on the darkened dance floor, but why, why did I do that?

It’s a love-fest, a zombie love-fest; it’s a zombie love-fest, I tell you!

Humpable jumpable sexy-looking beautiful buxom babe-zombies hang around for rough sex out here among the trees, I tell you.

Zombies are bleeding everywhere on top of the carpet.

It’s a boy zombie, straight from the womb!

The piddling transvestite zombies are coming to bite off your little prejudices for you!

The idea of a patriotic zombie is a non-starter from the start, but it can still salute the flag. It’s definitely an autodidactic zombie, I think.

Never trust a zombie, unless you’re one of them.

That zombie is obviously drunk with indiscriminate power, so punch its ticket to ride on the mystery train.

Trouble is a lurid zombie high as a kite on the smell of fresh human blood.

Zombies are too much like us, which is why they are so much unlike us.

Zombies are socially disappointing, so not much should be expected from them socially.

An invasion of zombies promises to be every bit as ridiculous as how the zombies look while they’re about it suggests it would be, although the ones bitten by zombies are certainly entitled to take it all more seriously.

To be bitten, to become zombiefied, to creep about, that is what a zombie is and that is what we all shall become, once we are bitten by the zombies.

Transylvanian transsexual zombies got caught in flagrante delicto in a state of flux at the police station, as they knew no better than to go out on patrol in drag.

Our having to cope with an apocalyptic uprising of zombies, this zombiefied curse of ours, eventually makes craven cowards of the lot of us.

Zombies are no respecters of bylaws in the parks.

Oh, God, it’s good zombie-pie!

Zombies are not indiscriminate eaters, as they prefer meat fresh off the bone…off your bones.

Is this the ending of the beginning of this unnerving zombie outbreak? No, this is just the beginning of zombiefied unlife that is our death.

The zombies are coming to eat me with whipped cream on!

It was a zombie that done the job, and I done it in for it!

Oh dear, zombies strutting their stuff on the ego!

Oh, to kiss goodbye a decapitated zombie on the lips, yes!

Ah, all the little zombies are hungrier tonight!

A zombie stole my heart, and bit it in twain!

The zombies are coming – duck, and cover!

Cool, I am to become a zombie too!

Don’t bite off more little bits of zombie pie than you can chew, boy!

Don’t encourage zombies to rise from the dead, you don’t need to.

Zombies are just dead people walking home to see mom!

Who will be a smart zombie today and go and bog-off on principle?

It’s all zombies on the go round here: there’s no time for losers!

To kill a lax zombie with too much laxative.

Eating dinner with a zombie at a fast food joint is not recommended.

A shopping alcoholic zombie pinched my hotdog right off of my hand, and then tried to take my hand along with it.

It’s not just another shopping arcade, it’s a zombie-shopping zone!

That zombie has terrible bad breath!

It is all about the necrotic zombie story: about the necrotic-time for zombies.

Zombies just do not play fair, and never did, whatever their politics.

Do the zombie-jive, zombie-babe!

There’s a gap in the zombies – let’s run for it like a beef sandwich with nowhere else to go for lunch!

Once bitten, you’re zombiefied.

Never antagonize a hungry zombie at the fun fair.

Zombies! The zombies are coming!

Zombies are on top of that policeman’s head, going at it like a rugby tackle on a football field.

A well-fed zombie is a happy zombie.

Damn, it looks like we need more zombies.

Fry that zany zombie-bitch, bitch!

She’s not just another blind date, she’s a blind zombie date!

A zombie pinched my pride when it tried to bite my hide on the side of the road to nowhere!

As zombies prohibiting zombies participating in zombieism goes, from now on in zombiefied defamers are making ribald zombie-jokes on the toss of a hat.

The zombie and the zombie-hunters are in symmetry in a symbiotic relationship!

Who will be a sex-toy zombie toy-boy today?

Any zombie found eating people in public is subject to immediate removal or extermination.

Zombies are here, the zombies are here, beware, the zombies are here!

My pet zombie ate my bouncy-balls in the darkness!

I guess survival depends on what we do about the fucking zombies lack of table manners.

The zombie extermination programme is not going to plan; they keep on coming back for more.

Some of my best friends are fucking zombies at death’s door, so I shoved them through it.

I met a zombie from Elysium in town today, and it bit me in the bloody arse.

Zombies first congregated outside the shopping arcade, before shuffling en masse towards the ghoulish delights waiting for them at the kindergarten.

Being borne before a never-ending crowd of zombies, that dreary dream of undeath, that is our destiny, and we just don’t wake up from it.

I am not a full-fledged zombie yet, but I certainly keep on trying hard not to become one.

Do zombies dream of zombie sheep in a zombiefied Utopia?

I spy a zombie eating my brother for dinner, it must be hungry.

Zombies and even more zombies eating a zombie cow for dinner.

To be or not to be a bloody zombie, zombie, zombie!

Zombies are on top of the old man’s bottom.

Never ask a zombie whether you can eat a packed lunch with it.

Sex starved zombie rednecks grabbed the beauty queen in some dark ally one night and chewed her brains out.

Just a prideful zombie full of wrath.

Bite that zombie on the bum if necessary, boy!

Don’t feed the zombies!

Were there no zombies, there’d be no zombie backbiters.

Fishy zombie pies are not good for lapsed vegetarians.

Never bite a rejected zombie in the arse, it might turn and bite you back in your own. 

The zombies are coming to the town square for a public meeting about food rationing!

Zombies, zombies, zombie-zombie-zombie!

The first time I saw a zombie I think it tried to kiss me.

Beware: with all the gore the nonhuman zombies generate defecating in the streets the neighbourhood property values will go down to zero.

Those who look for zombies have to wait patiently till the zombies find those who look for them, and then the zombies will eat them for dinner.

Unholy trouble is a zombie in the bloodbath with you.

I kissed a zoomorphic zombie going all anthropomorphic on me in the park in the dark. 

Young zombies with satchels: it’s a classic zombie class reunion!

Zombies, zombies, here and there; zombies, zombies, on the stairs; zombies, zombies, everywhere.

Hot, sexy zombies also appear in lingerie as metaphors for human desires in sexual protest songs.

I am not going out today, the place is crawling with zombies.

I just love zombies to pieces!

Do the zombie-rumba – fool!

This seething masses of horrific zombies needs to be decapitated, or at the very least have their heads blown clean off with a shotgun.

There are erogenous zombies playing up on top of the mayor’s vintage Rolls Royce!

To waste my time with a boring zombie is no fun at all.

I wished I had never seen a zombie in the first place.

Zombies! I smell an old zombie that smells like a fart, farted in the dark of a dark crypt full of farting zombies.

This tale of jaundiced, blood-soaked zombieism which began its tale of zombie life with normalcy as we know it and then went on from there, screaming.

Is that a dead monkey or a zombie?

That zombie is on overdrive at the fun fair.

Zombies do it their own way.

Zombies are up to no good.

It’s zombies and even more bloody zombies biting people for no good reason I can tell.

The sheer antisocial intensity of the zombies today was amazing, especially to the people being eaten by them.

Zombies prey on humans, like rats.

We just don’t survive from being grabbed an everlasting mob of zombies, it’s a place from where no one returns unconsumed by hungry zombies.

Does your zombie girlfriend want to dance?

Do not think of the time a zombie kissed your mother on the cheek.

I thought I saw a zombie cat gnawing at a zombie magpie.

I love poking fun at fucking zombies!

Whoever conceives of zombies as possibly existing logically also knows where they come from.

The little zombies are coming to eat you, I tell you!

Zombies, zombies, zombies do the zombie-jive!

It’s already bad enough that I can’t even buy anything in a store without seeing the freaking zombies shopping in the next isle.

We all love a good-looking zombie woman.

The cheek of the zombies, I must say.

In time, most of the resident population of Council estates will become flesh-eating zombies.

Zombies are on top of the plebeian policewoman, how revolting!

Zombies! Zombies do it better by biting bigger.

To be or not to be a zombie meter maid!

I don’t like children, I don’t like zombies, but the more zombies eat children the better.

A place to go to meet zombies for the young adventurer, is also a place never to rub a zombie up the wrong way by mistake.

A zombie ate my ham roll in one horrific gulp.

If she bites you on the first date, she’s a zombie.

What the hell are these zombie drug addicts after?

There are even bloodthirsty zombies eating those chicken heads in the farmhouse again.

Today, there were even more zombies at the bus stop than usual, and the bus driver didn’t dare stop either.

These zombie bureaucrats are the same bastards that force school kids to disrespect the dead by throwing them in the memorial fountain.

Never pick on a zombie with a grudge against the world.

Zombies, as seen through the round window.

Hot zombies keep coming back in a bloodthirsty lust for bad taste zombie jokes.

Look out, as thespian zombies are pushing through the curtains trying to break into the limelight!

To stomp on a fucking crazed zombie midget that is humping my leg!

A zombie pinched my Raleigh racing bicycle at the public convenience.

Do not bite off more of a zombie than you can chew, officer!

The shallowest zombies go off the deep end headfirst.

Zombies are not cannibals, as true cannibalism implies an inter-species activity, like having sexual intercourse with monkeys.

To smite a zombie on the prowl is what is acceptable in the crowd.

Ah, zombie beefcake on the run – marvellous! The zombies are coming home to roost!

The blinking zombies are coming back, the blinkered fools!

You cannot possibly fail to dislike a smiling zombie that’s trying to be overly friendly with your pet chiwawa.

Many zombies have returned to daily life, but they’re still stinking zombies.

Give a zombie a real chance to improve its attitude!

Zombies! Bite that zombie back, boy!

Is it going to be a right-royal zombie apocalypse this week?

I am not a zombie yet, although I’m waiting for it.

We all love a zombie cheerleader with good boobs and a firm arse.

Clever-looking zombies are a contradiction in terms, as they have deadened eyes full of woe.

Deep fried zombies on the plate of shame.

To kill a fresh zombie while snacking is considered unacceptable in many social circles.

Zombies! Freaking zombies!

Decapitating a zombie a day is good for you; it’s the done thing.

They say it was zombies all the way to hell and back.

I used to avoid people like they were zombies, because they were.

To kiss a mad-hatter zombie at the mad-hatter’s zombies’ party, just for a quick laugh.

A zombie, exposing its bum to traffic has little to recommend it to the passing crowd.

Authority likes to keep the zombies down, because if they’re not down they’re up to mischief.

If that zombie had a nose left he’d probably smell a lot better than it does.

In most circumstances, the zombies can be stopped dead in their tracks by removing its festering head or destroying its putrid brain.

Work-a-day zombies still want to eat you for lunch.

To tickle a zombie where it counts: in the tackle.

The fast-food eating zombies are coming to town.

Anybody who has a morbid fear of meeting a zombie in confined spaces has just as much right to feel that same fear in wide-open country, but he can run further if he does.

Are they garbage-eating zombie-horror zombies, or not?

There’s zombie talent at the lingerie department today! 

Zombies! A putrid pinch of zombies at a zombie-feast!

Kiss a good-looking zombie-schoolgirl bombshell today!

Zombies! Lip-smacking zombies!

Shoot that freaking freaky zombie in the head!

You don’t have to tie a zombie cheerleader down to procreate with her.

The zombies are coming to get us!

Create hot zombie-love: boil one up as an ingredient in a Parisian perfume.

The first time I saw a zombie I thought it was smiling just for me.

The hair-raising zombies had a bad hair day!

A clever-looking zombie with glasses and the light of intelligence in its eyes – stamp it out!

Zombie, don’t stare at my armless zombie girlfriend!

To be a zombie is to be on a mission, on a mission to have a zombie picnic!

Oh, no, zombies, and even more zombies.

Zombies! Kiss my freed fried zombies!

Don’t encourage a snacking zombie in the dark to go snacking with you.

Defeating a morbid zombie a day keeps the morbid zombie doctors at bay, unless they lock you up for it in a mortuary.

To kiss a highly sexed zombie with a crowbar.

Who will be a zombie-babe deflowerer today?

Many zombies wouldn’t hurt a fly, but they do eat them, like raisins.

She was a talented dancing zombie, but now she’s lost her sparkle in the dark terrain.

To piss on an unthinking zombie that thought of nothing but stuffing its mouth with dead moths.

We all love a good mannered zombie behind the restaurant till.

Zombies! Zombies are here; the zombies are here, now.

Zombies! Beware, the zombies are here for you today!

The zombies are back in town for dinner.

Look at that: zombies!

Yes, he is a zombie art dealer that bit the hand that fed it.

Head-hunting zombies looking for fresh meat on the hoof.

There are hungry zombies trying to break into the food hall of the shopping arcade to get at the staff barricaded behind the doors.

The zombies wanted to get into the zombie themed pub, but were too sick-making to be accepted as its usual target clientele.

In a land full of zombies the sane man isn’t too crazy about meeting them anytime soon, as for him it’s all just crazy-making on a grand scale.

The zombies are really coming – I just can’t believe it!

I never thought I’d be advising people I knew to decapitate their old friends anywhere they found them once they became zombies, but somehow it was so appropriate.

I used to avoid meeting undead-looking people in the street like they were a plague of zombies, because in my opinion they were nothing more than that.

Jesus, it’s flesh-eating freaking zombies coming to town for a quick snack!

Hoards of smelly un-dead zombies were released on the town’s streets, and nothing seemed to be able clean the gore off afterwards. 

Part 2. Grizzly Zombies.


This strangely unsettling zombie invasion of our domestic territory has gotten worse: the neighbourhood has become a zombie-infested haven for unholy immigrants.

Caged zombies are not free-range zombies: they really do need to get out more.

In my considered opinion a Haitian Creole zombie exchange student is just another animated corpse resurrected back to life by mystical means, usually while out shopping at the shopping arcade.

Some of my best friends are puking fucking zombies, even though I used to avoid them like they were zombies because they were like that.

Don’t let no zombie-bitch take no bite out of your hide, she only does it to spite hygiene regulations.

Zombie, do not bite the hand that feeds you!

Where dumb-assed zombies breed, old men lie down to gloat.

Zombies! Are we talking slow poke zombies here, or not?

Trouble is an over-friendly zombie on a hot date in a Jacuzzi.

Nurse, is it a boy zombie or a girl zombie?

Zombies! A lullaby of zombies in the crèche.

Zombies can be fun people to know once you learn how to decapitate them.

The zombies are coming to get us to give them a free meal!

Do not let time run out for you and the zombies.

The zombies are coming to town, but what does it mean to us as townsfolk?

Put that zombie back in its cage and stop playing with it, or you’ll just go boss-eyed and die.

I met a harmless armless zombiesse at the dance hall, but it bit me anyway.

In a former life that zombie was a female hatcheck attendant in a bourgeois nightclub – kill it!

Yes, zombies are basically antisocial creatures that are in some ways similar to sleepwalking human beings, but these zombies eat sleepwalkers in their sleep for breakfast.

Zombie life is mush like ordinary life, but more zombiefied.

Don’t look now, but if there’s one bloody body too many in the dining room today, it’s probably a hungry zombie.

What sort of zombie would endure this sort of zombie lifestyle, but for a hope of something meatier to eat after dinner?

The vicar, in refusing to be drawn into a religious debate with anyone about zombieism as yet, probably has to settle his own “zombie-state of being” issues first.

This is not a blooming zombie moment full of pathos like in the Hollywood movies, so pull your guts back in and pull yourself together.

It’s not just nonsense; it’s zombie’s nonsense!

It is not just about the rights of illegal aliens who resurrect dead humans as zombies, it is also about preventing epidemic infections in ordinary citizens.

That accursed, damned zombie just wants to take a nibble out of your hide, who would put up with that from the wife?

Damn that zombie’s creepily enticing smile, it’s just egging me on to kiss it.

The zombie stood with the blood on its lips and stared with his foot on the prey while it gurgled profanities – Jesus!

The zombies are coming to bite you on the butt, where it hurts the most!

Zombies! Look, no zombies!

Zombies always brook no argument.

Bite my zombie arse, babe!

I was so sad to hear that zombies existed, but really that’s just the way it is.

It’s hard for a real man to be honourable when there are so many zombies around.

Zombies! Give me your entire zombie loving!

Before baby zombies can walk, they have to learn to crawl, and then they can go join the rest of the foul undead things roaming the streets.

To kill a pale, weakened zombie with a shout.

That zombie must be fucking mad: it’s a fucking mad zombie!

Zombies are dead boring, but does that mean they should be ignored socially as if they have bad breath as well? 

Zombie killers are coming to decapitate a zombie at the shopping arcade, and cut it down to size to fit the strangeness of the whole situation.

Drunken zombies just look kind of sad, but at least when they’re pissed they keep off the people and keep to the booze.

Live like the zombies are here forever, but die like there is no tomorrow.

Zombies! Who will be a good zombie today?

My pet monkey was a zombie midget from the circus on the run from his audience.

The zombies played bloody havoc with my sense of fair play, and then walked off to dinner! 

Never try to out-zombie a once-poetic zombie, especially not in rhyme!

The zombies are coming to get a hot dinner!

Zombies are here, here now, right here, right now, here for you, now!

Zombies eventually penetrated the town jail but couldn’t get between the bars to the inmates; however, they were still trapped like sitting ducks shitting themselves.

Now, you can see zombies performing a dead-end show along the streets for free.

We all like to hear the tale of a good zombie apocalypse from far, far away.

I spy a zombie chef barbecuing with fresh meat on my patio.

Food for thought: food for zombies!

We all love to see a zombie at the police station, but not standing behind the reception desk.

Zombies – what a laugh – impossible!

Don’t feed the zombies what they crave the most: your freedom to remain whole and uneaten!

No, it cannot be – it’s zombies!

Chaos has zombies attached: they are hungry for it.

Licking the zombies must mean that the zombie-licker needs the salt!

Depression in hungry zombies can be seen as a form of moral cowardice, but is probably just my anthropomorphism.

Zombies don’t need drugs to get high to create pleasure, they just need to be hung from trees and it pleases everybody.

Zombies could kill you so quickly you could literally die and not know you’ve just kicked the bucket, it’s like being eaten by undead piranhas.

Baby, the first bite from a zombie is the deepest.

To become the dread undead, to become zomnbiefied, is probably our destiny, darling.

Do not bite that zombie back, as it might have a socially transferable disease!

To pull a zombie in the dark in the park.

I love to see trucker zombies travelling through the town checking out the local talent to invite them for lunch!

Do not bite the head off my pet zombie over nothing, geyser!

Though it is common for zombies to digest playwrights, very few actually audition for them first.

There’s no need to bite on that zombie’s throat so hard boy, you’ve done it in good!

The zombies infected my wife at breakfast, and the zombies will ensure she comes back to me for dinner.

When was the last time you shot at a zombie?

Oh, to be or not to be a hunger-filled zombie!

As for the wife, she’s gone all-zombieish on me!

I bit back the zombie that bit me by mistake; that was probably a proper mistake to make.

It’s a totally gross zombie feast at the garden party.

I have never met a clever zombie yet because they don’t think clever thoughts.

Zombies: spawn of death: nemesis of life!

Zombies love hot chicks dancing at the dance hall.

Trouble-seeking zombies are out looking for you, so why aren’t you out hiding from them?

Only by perceiving the limits of your curiosity in a zombie apocalypse can you come to realize what a buffoon you can so easily become among a crowd of zombies that were once your friends.

When kept below blood-temperature zombies are more docile, except when set fire to by rednecks.

Keep away from the windows, as hungry zombies are pushing through the gaps in your belief systems.

Who will be a bad-arsed mother-fucking zombie today?

Do you want it, zombie? Do you want it now, zombie?

Never have sex with a freshly deceased zombie on a park bench.

Zombies! Expect more zombies yet to come!

Pandering to your zombie wife’s desires to get closer emotionally to you is apparently not a good idea at all.

With zombies it’s all blood, gore, and bodies writhing in agony.

Hungry zombies ate my dead-thing pie, the darned hungry zombies!

A hungry zombie drove my car off without my permission, so I beheaded it at the traffic lights.

Zombies will follow just about anyone down a dead-end street, whereupon it’s victim will immediately find that he had previously hidden his desire to lose control of his bowels as a result.

Zombies are not acceptable round here, so they must go elsewhere to be accepted.

Zombies! To be or not to be a losing zombie!

I like a buxom zombie bitch in the sack.

I saw a zombie bite that policeman’s hands off.

Beware of the zombies! You can never turn your back on the zombies!

Playing doctor with a zombie in the blood bath.

Ah, the agonized angst of the newly beheaded zombie is something to behold!

The continuing story of the fucking zombies.

It is not just all about crazed zombies who grabbed my wife in some dark hall one night and ate her; it is the principle of the thing.

Zombies represent the seething crowd in society, but why then are they so ruthlessly cruel about what they do, existing without a shred of conscience for warmth in the dark?

Don’t just stand there, call for a zombie exterminator.

What do the zombies actually bring to the negotiating table except their foul, incessant desire to eat us all alive?

Don’t feed the zombies, they come back for more!

The zombie stood on the burning veranda looking for burnt meat, as any meat will do for it.

Do not just sit there scratching your head, go and find some useful information on exterminating zombie infestations.

To kiss a female-impersonator zombie’s toe with gusto in tow.

But for the zombies this would be a nice place to live in, but for them.

People tried to eradicate the zombies as quickly as possible, which is why they were utterly exhausted by it, both people and zombies.

We all love to see a smiling zombie with its head cut off. I married a frigid zombie, why I did that I have no idea!

The erotic zombie bit me, the bitching erotic zombie!

It’s no use asking a zombie why it acts as it does, it just won’t listen to you.

They said that everything would get better with the zombie problem, but then the zombies didn’t agree.

It’s a zombie love-fest yet to come!

That’s sure a good-looking piece of zombie-crumpet you have there, mate!

Some of my oldest friends are deadened-brained happy zombies on drugs and alcohol.

I’d like to give that sexy zombie-bitch one, but she’d never let me do it without trying to bite me at cost price!

To love an undead zombie lady against the odds.

The zombies are coming to go shopping at the shopping arcade!

The mouldy zombies are for the chop, but are not necessarily ripe enough for the soup!

Zombies just love a little nibble at your body parts on the quiet.

Zombies do not like petty foolishness, they like scoffing fresh meat on the hoof.

Zombie-lover, zombie hugger, zombie-lovers on top form at the ball.

Where vistas narrow down when trapped in a crowd of zombies even the smallest details can become mighty important.

Being a pure zombie through and though isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

You’re never alone with a hungry zombie at a cheap restaurant.

Zombies don’t do tourist routes while on vacation, but they do eat the tourists.

Zombies! The zombie-feast is a foul feast for us all at the dinner table of life.

In life, that zombie was a very religious man…I think it didn’t do him no harm.

To kill off a big bleeding-heart faggot zombie.

Yes, it is a zombie-themed romantic comedy set in a land of zombies.

Zombies! It’s zombies tonight alright!

The road is thick with those mother-fucking zombies, like beetles on a march to reproduce themselves with abandon.

Don’t ever mistake passing zombies for humans passing by, as they are just the passing show of zombies passing by and are not at all like humans.

There are reports of these zombie-like creatures using tools such as knives and forks, but not on each other.

No zombies are mean zombies, as they don’t have the concept of meanness about them.

Do zombies get much nourishment from foul-foods? Zombies! Zombies, and even more zombies.

This world would not be the same without zombies, it would be zombie-less.

Zombies! Eat your zombie hearts out, zombies!

Fucking zombies just get meaner when they’re leaner!

Having hungry zombies after your hollyhocks, I believe, gives you a strong motive for shooting them.

The shopping arcade had become the scene of nightly brawls between shoppers and zombies; nonetheless, they always came back for more, zombies and shoppers alike.

It was just a zombie love-bite, but I thought it was my lover that bit me!

Zombies don’t need a fine day for shuffling across town.

Zombies! The zombies are coming, I think!

I tickled my own zombie’s fancy in the unknown darkness of the night.

Zombies are here, the zombies are here, beware, the zombies are bleeding here!

It’s probably best not to mention zombies in polite company, and especially in polite company where zombies have bitten some of their number.

We all love to see a headless zombie.

We all love to see a good-looking zombie-bitch nailed on a park bench.

They’re just wooden-headed zombies with no conscious sense of correct morals.

The zombie’s best ever necrotic-time for a zombie is now.

There are even bloodthirsty zombies eating chickens in the farmhouse.

Zombies are here for breakfast, but will be staying for lunch?

The slithering dirty zombies: it’s rotten zombies, horrible, horrid zombies!

Zombies are not really all that antisocial, as they are just hungry for leftover love.

A zombie killed my pet pig and cut it up for prime cuts!

Sometimes you can wonder why a particular zombie is wondering around with a claw hammer on its head.

Zombies have no taste but are in haste to eat lunch with you!

Zombies do not hate the brain of a dull-brained man, they’d just love it to death.

Zombies! A zombie-fest on the idle river of life.

It’s just a pale zombie that lacks its health that’s passing through.

The first zombie you decapitate you’ll probably remember for the rest of your life, or at least until you decapitate the next one.

Zombies are not vegetarians; they just like bloody carrots and know no better!

It was just a little midget zombie that bit my arse – just a small one!

Do shoot a zombie whilst eating its foul food, you might get indigestion.

Zombies aren’t your friends, or even friendly, they just want something from you for nothing.

These board zombies attack and they feed only on warm human flesh – alive, warm human flesh.

If you go and borrow weapons to kill zombies with you should thank their owners for them at least, in that way both zombies and their supposed owners will be taken care of.

Zombie feasting: it’s all about the best of the zombies’ craziness.

After the zombies moved in next door, this neighbourhood went right downhill and died of putrefied shame.

Zombies! Well, fancy eating breakfast with the zombies!